Mindcontrolled Momma: The Emperor Strikes Again
Shhhhh.
I can’t be 100% sure, but I think the Emperor (my nine month old son, whom I serve) may have gained a new skill.
Mind control.
I have just become wise to it, but upon further reflection, I wonder if he was wielding this new found ability as far back as Christmas break (remember the infamous cell phone escapade?)
Maybe I wasn’t to blame for the deaths of those poor phones…plural.
Little did I know, the Emperor had taken on the role of Junior Jedi master controlling my every move.
Momma (this is synonymous for his word for slave), these car seat straps are choking me!!!
(He lets out impressively believable cries of discomfort from his position in the backseat of the rental car.)
Maybe you should crawl to the backseat, Momma.
(I move obediently as if I am a Pavlovian dog who has heard a bell ring.)
Good. Now set that phone down so you can use both hands.
(I do so, just as we roll to a stop to drop off our rental car.)
Now, leave the phone there while you get me out.
We don’t need that phone anyways.
No one ever calls me on it.
You never let me touch it.
Let’s go ahead and just leave it behind.
Minutes later, I am standing at the airport entrance, phoneless, while the emperor menacingly grins to himself. (See above pic taken on airport bench.)
Fast forward to Thursday of this past week.
I am collecting all the things we need in order to get out the door. My school bag. His diaper bag. Keys, wallet, phone. I have the process down pact–which is to say every morning is a panicked scavenger hunt in which I–the only contestant–arrive to school in a buzzer-beater finale.
But the emperor, unlike me, is wide awake and fully engaged.
If you would go ahead and put your wallet in my diaper bag, I’d appreciate it, Momma.
I’ll also need you to make sure a credit card and two forms of I.D. are safely tucked inside.
I am going to buy a secret supply of snacks for my bed chamber, since you servants insist on storing the castle pretzel rations under lock and key. All over this unknown and probably fictitious danger called ‘choking’.
Go ahead. Tuck it right into my bag.
(I follow his instructions, step by step, zipping my wallet deep into the diaper bag pocket.)
You’ve done well today, Momma. He smiles approvingly as we lock the door to the house.
And this is how I find myself on the phone with the day care lady who informs me that a wallet has turned up amongst Justus’ things.
She informs me sympathetically, as if this baby-on-the-brain stuff trips up all new mothers.
Little does she know the Emperor probably hypnotized her into logging onto the computer and ordering him a lifetime supply of pretzels while she thought he was napping.
I’d write more but I feel strangely compelled to go make the Emperor another bottle…
* * *
We’re still rolling with the 25 Days of Giveaways. And prizes for day 15 and 16 both need to be handed off today (we missed a day, the emperor’s apologies). One prize is a copy of Anne Jackson’s Mad Church Disease. Another is Kary Oberbrunner’s book, The Fine Line. If you haven’t read either of them, all you have to do is comment on this blog post (click the brown box under this blog’s title) or tweet/post an update on facebook about sarahcunningham.org (make sure you use @sarahcunning or #picking dandelions or tag me in your post so we can find you).
uberVU - social comments January 23, 2010 (7:18 pm)
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This post was mentioned on Twitter by sarahcunning: I’m the victim of mind control. The emperor strikes again: http://bit.ly/6bDpTw Comment or RT to enter for 1 of 2 prizes….
Keith Lee January 23, 2010 (8:12 pm)
I don’t think my 9 month old son has this ability yet, at least not over me. My wife on the other hand, that is a different story. While playing on the floor with me, if he sees mom walk by, the cry comes. But he doesn’t want her to come get him. Just acknowledge him. After she says something in baby talk, he goes back to knocking over the towers of blocks that I build.
Melissa January 23, 2010 (10:06 pm)
Mind controlling little boys… :)
Ahh, I am a fan of Anne Jackson, but have yet to read her book.
Sarah Martin January 23, 2010 (10:21 pm)
Girl! That is a great nickname for your son-will have to use it for my 19 month old boy! I am SO stoked about your giveaway. Both books look awesome, but the Fine Line one is right up my alley. I wrote a devo for She Seeks this week around this topic.
I tweeted the post (taggd you in it) and posted it on FB-you aren’t my friend, so I couldn’t tag you on that one, though.
So excited for your book launch!!!
Mike Gothard January 23, 2010 (10:49 pm)
Hi Sarah, my son is a 17-year old senior in high school and my daughter turns 14 in a couple of months. And from experience I can report that they still have this uncanny ability to control minds the older they get. Now, however, the “toys” and “food” are just a lot more expensive. Enjoy these early years :)
Jill Sherman January 23, 2010 (11:01 pm)
Too funny; I’m still giggling at you referring to your son as The Emperor. You remind me of back when I quit work to stay home with my first son – I tried to explain to my former work buddies that even though my salary wasn’t so hot, I really liked my new boss. Demanding, but cute.
Don’t worry about the mind control. In due time the tables will turn and you’ll have the power of being able to accurately predict the future: “If you two roughhouse like that, someone’s going to get hurt,” “If I let you stay up to watch that show, you’ll be cranky in the morning,” and so on. You may be seeing the first glimmerings of your future power soon. Keep us posted!
I’d love to win the Anne Jackson book! I’ve been enjoying her blog; she has a fresh voice.
nancy January 23, 2010 (11:09 pm)
Beyond funny! Maybe I have my own emperor sneaking around here. That must be how my husband’s glasses got on top of my head causing him to search for a long time. I had no idea they were his. Then somehow his phone was in my pocket. It started ringing and it freaked me out. I could hear it, but couldn’t see it. Once again, I had no idea I had put it in my pocket. He, of course, thinks I’m crazy.
Amy January 23, 2010 (11:38 pm)
I think my dogs are the Queens around here, though fortunately no mind control powers.
(Random Aside: I really want to read that Anne Jackson book.)
Eric Wilkinson January 23, 2010 (11:45 pm)
These are not the droids you are looking for.
MB January 23, 2010 (11:45 pm)
So this is why I don’t remember much of the first years of my children’s lives – mind control!. I must have had a double dose with twins! Haven’t read either book – really interested. :-)
Thank you Amy for Retweeting this!
TomKinsfather January 24, 2010 (12:00 am)
Not all kids have mind control. I have 3 and only our middle girl can control my mind. I barely have the power to discipline her, what with her pouty eyes and all. My wife says I’m a wimp, but it’s her Jedi powers.
Sarah Cunningham January 24, 2010 (12:29 am)
Congratulations MB (Fine Line) and Nancy (Mad Church Disease). You are today’s winners! Remember, regular participants will be entered in bonus drawings on Feb. 1st (the day Picking Dandelions is released).