Person of the Zero Chance : POTSC
Dear Mike and Jud (my friends at POTSC.com),
Confession.
I eagerly joined People of the Second Chance,
but…you should know…
sometimes I am a Person of the Zero Chance.
…or a Person of the Minus Four Chance.
Aka A Person of No More Chances.
Here’s the deal: I’m really good–stellar good–at forgiving most offenses.
Like don’t even worry about it.
I barely noticed.
That good.
But across life, there have been a few situations–at least three that I can think of (I‘m sure there are more)–where my messed-up little soul turned out to be more stingy than all that.
One of those unforgiving sprees reared its head prior to a book I wrote about disillusionment with the church. Over the course of time (and I mean TIME) though, I let it go. And when I say I let it go, I mostly mean God pried my white-knuckled fingers off the weirdly attractive grudges one at a time.
Letting go did not come natural to me.
There was stuff in my background that made not tracking other people’s offenses counter-intuitive.
But I really and completely let it go.
And it felt FABULOUS. (Still does.)
I even threw 50 fancy musings on forgiveness into my first book from my learning.
They were genuine insights then. Still are.
But…I still struggle (honest translation: fail) to apply them in these other two situations.
(Can you sense the hypocrisy yet…?)
As it turns out, given the right circumstances (and I mean, the WRONG circumstances), my mercy can still (even after all this learning) operate on a light switch that goes on and off with a flick of my pointing, accusing index finger.
For this, mercy on.
For that, mercy off.
I’m like the forgiveness clapper.
Here is the thing that trips me up–or if I were being mature and taking responsibility for myself, I might say–here is the thing that I trip on.
What if the offenses don’t stop?
What if you forgive? You send cards, give gifts, make calls, hang out. You scrape what you think is every last drop of love from your soul.
But the things that have stirred goodness in every other arena of your life, don’t–for some reason–nurture goodness here.
The person doesn’t seem to care.
Doesn’t care they hurt you.
Doesn’t want to fix it.
Doesn’t care they keep hurting you.
Doesn’t want to prevent it from happening again.
Then what?
Fortunately, this has not been the norm for me. 99 times out of 100 in my life, apologies from any party have been followed by goodness.
But what about that 1 time out of 100?
In that 1%, I lose all grip on spiritual maturity.
I start asking the miserly-half-inch-deep-soul Peter kind of question: Really, God, how many times am I obligated to forgive this joker before I call it a day?
And the really clinically off-my-rocker part is I know the answer but I still get stuck on the question.
I get that the answer is 70×7, which in Jesus metaphor math equals keep forgiving.
I get that if I even pretended to be sane, I’d be as forgiving as I want people to be to me (hmmm. there’s a verse in there somewhere).
I get that there is no “off the hook” card. That this isn’t a giant game of Monopoly where the right Community-Chance land exempts you from forgiving certain people–the hurtful control-freak whose been chronically scarring you for years…or the adult who leaves a year’s worth of hatemail in your mailbox at work…
People do some insane things. I’m just sayin.
So, generally, on my good days, I forgive.
I find some sympathy for the people who share this dysfunctional planet with me.
They too have their insecurities.
Their lies.
Their little secrets.
Things that drive them to be people who they never set out to be.
Like me.
They are hurting,
threatened,
vying to feel okay.
Like me.
And in that reflection, a little voice inside of me suggests when God looks down on my offender, he sees the same thing I see when I peer into my baby’s crib.
A little soul that is so, so precious and in need of a lifetime of grace.
And in that grace, I forgive.
I forgive in a heartbeat.
I even want to forgive.
But–here’s the clincher–I also want things to be okay.
And that is when the trickiness begins…
I put on my civil-face.
I am nice.
I do outwardly kind things.
But what if they use my vulnerability to take another shot?
And maybe another shot.
And another one.
And they pretend they didn’t.
And they never set it right.
(Maybe its not a good idea to keep tracking all of this…?)
And it all boils down to the following poisonous soul-cycle:
1. I forgive.
2. I re-expose myself to said person (in either stupidity or in a spirit of forgiveness.)
3. I am wounded again.
4. I get bitter about it.
5. I eventually forgive.
6. I try again.
7. Wounded again.
8. More bitter.
9. Harder to forgive.
And so on and so on and so on until the end part is that I am really bitter and no longer forgiving.
At all.
This is when I realize I’ve de-volved—in certain instances—into a Person of the Zero Chance.
I start to hate who I am when my soul looks in the mirror.
Because I know I’m screwing up.
Because I know Jesus paints a radical picture of forgiveness.
A one mile, two mile forgiveness.
A this cheek, that cheek forgiveness.
A cloak and coat forgiveness.
A, dare I say it, 100 times out of 100 forgiveness.
And I get this means that the only way to survive is to grow Great Wall of China thick skin.
Man, do I get that by now.
But can I ask what the tiny desperate voice inside me wants to know?
Is there a forgiveness line that allows me to give grace while modifying the relationship?
Or is even asking that just my excuse for not forgiving more completely….as many times as needed?
I want to live clean-hearted before God.
But I also want to be healthy and okay.
And my conscience gets confused trying to draw lines that both protect my health and still include real Jesus-love for those I’ve forgiven.
So you need to know.
I want to be a Person of the Second Chance…100%.
But I’m just not there yet.
Some days I’m a long way away.
* * *
How does forgiveness work in your life? Do you run into dilemmas like
mine? How do you overcome them? Leave a comment by clicking the brown “comment” box (that shows total comments) under the title of this blog. (New commenters’ posts will not appear immediately, but after approval – to fight spam.)
Blog commenters over the next 17 days leading up to the release of my new book, Picking Dandelions, are automatically eligible to WIN THE DAILY GIVEAWAY. Today’s, listed below, includes a transcendent theme of forgiveness. Please help spread the word on Twitter (@sarahcunning) and Facebook.
Mirror to the Church: Resurrecting Faith and Genocide in Rwanda – In 1994, the most Christianized country in Africa became the site of its worst genocide. The tragedy was in Rwanda, but what happened was a mirror reflecting the deep brokenness of the church in the West.
Oh, and if you’re coming from the site of my friends Mike and Jud, know you are welcome here any time. ;) Any friend of Mike and Jud’s is a friend of mine.
Keith Lee January 15, 2010 (9:31 am)
Forgive, but I won’t Forget!
Like you, Sarah, I am married. Marriage has taught me more about the forgetting part of forgiveness. For a long time, I would “forgive” but I would rarely give people second chances for fear that the behavior would persist. With a spouse, you either walk around with a chip on your shoulder, or you extend grace and move on, sometimes with long talks into the night.
I’m still not perfect when it comes to forgiving those outside of my daily circle, but I’m getting better at dealing with those I interact with on a regular basis.
The biggest lesson I’ve learned is that we are all sinners and though we don’t deserve grace, Christ extends it freely. Extending that grace means to not only waving our hands in front of the person and saying your wrongdoings are forgiven, but turning to our own heart’s and seeking redemption from the pain we felt.
Great blog. Thanks for the openness.
Sarah Cunningham January 15, 2010 (9:44 am)
Keith. You’re right. Marriage, also family relationships, have taught me a lot about forgiveness.
The part of your comment that I think is gold though: but turning to our own heart’s and seeking redemption from the pain we felt.
That’s the piece I miss sometimes.
Thanks for sharing.
Tim M January 15, 2010 (9:48 am)
“But…I still struggle (honest translation: fail)”
I liked the whole post, but especially this part. The honesty with which you reflect on yourself is refreshing and convicting at the same time. Like Jesus.
There are some very tempting benefits to holding a grudge. For me, it’s usually about my own insecurity. That’s vague, but hey, this is the internets!
Danielle January 15, 2010 (10:33 am)
Thank you for making me think about this…. You are right about it being hard to forgive those repeat offenders, but it is Christ like to do so, but how do you protect yourself from their repeating behaviors? I don’t know the answer.
mechelle January 15, 2010 (11:13 am)
Very good post Sarah.
I have had a lifelong struggle with my mother and this subject.I currently have a 6-10 yr estrangement from her (its 2 part) –from limited to full.
She is a repeat offender,who has zero plans to change,stop doing it,respect boundaries,etc.Every encounter with her will involve the need to forgive.
It is SO hard to deal with her–either way.And makes me feel very hypocritical in my spiritual life.
Because I can’t say I do it fully–cause theres always that ONE who makes stating that a lie.
I have been given much grace over my life.I have become a very merciful person along the way.
But she is one who will most likely be a struggle to deal with my entire life.
I am not alone in this either.So far,no one involved can figure out a good way to deal with her.And we are all Christian too.
I have even done the looking at her as if she were my child,and all you suggest,on it.I am 47,its been a long deal so far,and you will try everything along the way.
Oh well.Guess I am just saying where my own struggle on this lies.
I also agreed with the poster who said what he did on marriage.You do learn alot about forgiving and living along side it in marriage.
And if you can’t learn it any other way,you learn how to love the sinner and not the sin from your kids most.
God graciously gives us many good ways to learn things He wants us to.
But we will also ALWAYS be learning.
Its good to think about it,confess it,and learn from it again though.
:)
Jason January 15, 2010 (12:26 pm)
Your honesty is so cool. Came over from POTSC after Jud tweeted this link…good post.
TomKinsfather January 15, 2010 (3:20 pm)
Wow, heavy post. We’ve all got some of those cactus people in our lives and the closer we try and get, the deeper the wound.
As a follower of Jesus, I’m doing what I can to spread Christ’s love, mercy, and forgiveness to the people I know. Turns out, the “prickly people” need at least as much (usually more) love, mercy, and forgiveness as everyone else.
Some people are easy for me to love and forgive. It’s like that for everybody. The people who lash out and hurt when I try to help are the people who REALLY need love, mercy, and forgiveness. Often, they know very little of Jesus’ brand of love and mercy. They need help.
As a pastor I have my share of people who don’t like me for various reasons. I’m learning how to love these people. Occasionally I’ll know a little of their story and that helps me to understand why they lash out.
Bottom line: I see myself on a mission of love, mercy and forgiveness. I believe Jesus was on a similar mission.
Richard Rouse January 15, 2010 (4:40 pm)
I appreciate your comments and especially the reference to Rewanda. I saw a documentary by Oddysey Network on the efforts for peace and reconciliation following the civil war there. I was struck by the comment by one tribal leader who is a Christian who said that forgiveness is not optional. If someone asks for forgiveness, it is required that the victim give it unconditionally. The idea is that reconciliation and renewal of relationships is preferred and the ultimate goal of that culture–that is consistent with the teachings of Jesus.
I recommend my book
Julie January 15, 2010 (4:54 pm)
I understood from what I have read that we are to forgive, 70×7, but that we are also to be equally yoked, and forgiving does not mean that we are also required to be involved with people to our misery. It’s the resentment of the wrongs done to us, the bad feelings these people seem to invoke in us, we forgive and we move on, we are under no obligation to provide them a scapegoat to keep wacking away at. I think of the Steven Curtis Chapman song in this world but not of it, the same way with people like that, we no longer need to provide them with someone to do wrong to, ever. Pray for them, forgive them, and be free of them.
tarynh January 15, 2010 (9:01 pm)
ouch. in a good way. especially the forgiveness clapper and looking down in the crib seeing a person in need of a lifetime of grace. sigh. makes my heart ache a bit. I have feigned forgiveness quite a few times in my day…I’m grateful God doesn’t do the same. i think in my getting older i’ve somehow felt forgiveness necessitated someone being sorry. i have started realizing that ship has sailed and i’ll regret forgiving frivolously much less than not forgiving at all. thanks for the thought-provocation!
Sarah H. January 15, 2010 (9:10 pm)
Thanks for the insightful post!
Sarah Cunningham January 16, 2010 (12:06 am)
Great comments everyone. And really insightful. Today’s book winner is Mechelle (so please email me or Facebook the address where you’d like the book shipped, Mechelle). Congrats!
And keep following for more blogs related to this topic. There’s some good things in store!
People of the Second Chance January 18, 2010 (5:34 pm)
[…] I work through our anger, frustration, and revenge issues from the Chargers/Cowboys loss yesterday, Sarah’s post seems so […]
Judy January 18, 2010 (6:58 pm)
Yikes! This sounds like me! I too will forgive and then go back for more and then wonder why. But I have had to cut back on this relationship. I don’t think forgiveness means you have to keep opening yourself up for more hurt. I think it means to not be angry or bitter. Sometimes we must close the door on a relationship because it will poisen us. This does not mean we haven’t forgiven. It just means we are taking care of ourselves, and stopping the relationship actually protects us spiritually.
Anne Jackson January 18, 2010 (7:21 pm)
don’t forget to forgive yourself… xxoo
Anne Jackson January 18, 2010 (7:22 pm)
meant to leave this too:
http://www.flowerdust.net/2008/09/15/reconciliation-vs-forgiveness/
Kristy T. January 18, 2010 (7:48 pm)
Wow did you say a mouth full that I think many people out there are dying to say, Me for one ! I too faught for many years to forgive others and would continue to be used as a doormat. A Doormat that had been used by the doggies, if you get my drift ! Then I went through 3 life changing stints in the hospital. All 3 I was not supposed to come through,But God had another plan. You see I came back to him and admitted my sins,one of which I knew,or thought,was unforgivable. I had been raped,got pregnant and had an abortion under family pressure. But I went back to church confessed my sins before my church family and learned to forgive all that had hurt me. That was a big step to healing, renewal of spirit ,heart,mind ,body and soul! Forgiveness isn’t easy,but necessary to walk free from the ties that bind us to unforgiveness and pain !! Thank you for this artical and look forward to reading your new book !!!
Vikki January 18, 2010 (9:20 pm)
Thank you so much for writing this. I’m struggling with this very thing.
Cynthia January 18, 2010 (9:31 pm)
excellent post………..neat insight……”looking into the crib” representing God’s heart, Yes! Thanks for your honesty, openness, sharing your struggle with us! Bravo! God loves that. Such vulnerability is so attractive!
This is my first encounter with your writing, thots, sharing….I’ll be back.
Katy January 18, 2010 (10:19 pm)
Thanks for writing this…seeing real, raw, and honest posts like this that make think a little more–love it….and this is definitely something I’m still working on and figuring out how to live out the whole forgiveness thing even when you’ve been burned time and again. I can’t say I have answers other than look to Him and follow His lead.
Sherie January 18, 2010 (10:41 pm)
Sarah, thank you for your honesty. Yesterday this battle again was strongly present in my life as I walk through a situation where I continue to forgive but others do not seem to be willing. I often feel so hated, condemned, and shamed because of it, mostly because they are pastors/elders so I feel I must be the one that is unrepentant and in the wrong even though I have spent months trying to repent and reconcile in the only ways I know how.
I have been learning that forgiveness is not about them though, it is about my walk with God and the condition of my heart, a heart that needs a second chance but like you said feels as if it has zero left. As I put off my anger, pain, rejection, etc. I make choices to let go and forgive. It isn’t as easy as just putting it off though. If we put off, we have to put something else back on or the original things will return. This has been the hardest part for me because I have found that even though I have tried to put off the anger and pain I have found ways that it has been comfortable and comforting to feel those things. I often want to put them back on and don’t want to forgive, even though I know it is what I am to do. I want the comfort and security of those selfish and prideful feelings and thoughts, yet at the same time I find myself feeling ashamed that I have them and then I want to hide and not live in transparency and authenticity. I have found that what God has really wanted me to put on isn’t just forgiveness, but actually is love. Rather than being hurt and angry he has asked me to love deeply, even to the point of giving up all of my rights, ideas, and comforts. He has asked me to love enough to go through the cycle again, opening up my heart to be hurt and trusting him to guard my heart while I love my neighbor with all I have. I am called to love others deeply, passionately, and even to let go of all they have done (or not done) in relationship to me, no matter what! Someone’s decision to not forgive leaves our relationship at odds and impedes any ability to resolve things, but I am called to love. Yesterday this was a battle I didn’t want to walk through, but I did. Today the battle is easier and again I am able to move forward in love, forgiveness, and with a heart that says all of us need second chances, deserve zero chances, and have a Lord that has given us unlimited chances. For that my heart is so thankful!
Bill January 19, 2010 (6:19 am)
Outstanding! And way too convicting, thank you Sarah.
Person of the Zero Chance « Sarah Cunningham Contact January 19, 2010 (10:09 am)
[…] Person of the Zero Chance « Sarah Cunningham Tags: crib, free-people, heart, heart-ache, homes-free, one-understands, sometimes-crazy, […]
Pam January 19, 2010 (11:47 pm)
Wow…popped over from POTSC….not like you’ve been readin my mail or anything….
I have one of those white-knucklers that I finally have allowed God to pry away from my tightly clutched fist. And I have been able to forgive. Truly. But after so much, after so many times, I’ve decided not to place myself in that vulnerable place again. The place where guerilla warfare and hidden mines riddle conversations, that while excruciatingly polite, shoot arrows straight into the depths of my soul. I am shaking the dust from my feet, so to speak. It’s not fair to my husband, my kids, my sisters-in-Christ, who must try to help put me back together one again, because of the wounds. I can’t pretend to understand all the reasons behind what she does. I can get a glimpse of some. But God has to heal her and fill her so that she doesn’t feel the need to attack. I love her. But, at least for now, I must love her from a safe distance. Family is so hard…
KevinL January 20, 2010 (7:00 pm)
The admissions you make are astounding to me. In the Christian culture which I have been immersed, this is a sin that was pretty much never talked about. Some things couldn’t be tolerated but bitterness and grudges weren’t among them. So ironic in light of the fact that our salvation is built around forgiveness. It’s hard for me to deal with this in my own life because I don’t see it modeled around me. Thank you so much for helping me take some baby steps.
Shellie (baylormum) January 20, 2010 (10:17 pm)
Mechelle & I have a lot of parallels in our rocky mother relationships! I, too, know the answer. Keep forgiving. Keep praying. Be steadfast. But, with my mother at age 80 and the fact I just moved 2000 miles away, I don’t see this chasm bridged anytime soon.
I am an addict in recovery and have come back to a faith I had forgotten. And a God who NEVER left me! Opening my heart is still difficult. The relationship with my mother is a toxic one, so I choose to not have one at this time. Or, rather, she chose not to have one with me. Because I hadn’t been to her house in 2 years. Mind you it’s a full day’s drive. And my parents are retired and travel. With a motorhome. Every where but MY house. So, my mother’s solution? One of her non-communication punishments. So much hurt. But, I had to grow up at 50 & decide that I had had enough. Does that mean I don’t love them? No, but I don’t always like them. Even after 24 years of marriage, she dislikes my husband. You know, he was married before. He has 2 adopted girls. He’s older than me. Oh, and the kicker? Their daughter (yes, me) got pregnant with said husband when I was 28. My mother was so embarrassed of me! And still is. 24 years is a long time to hold a grudge a man who has been a perfect gentleman through 24 years when he could have wrung her neck a hundred times.
Will I give her a 73rd chance? Always, but I sure have to give it up to God, because I’m not sure without Him, I would.