Everyone Needs To Embrace This
"Representatives of the church everywhere needed to embrace the belief that Jesus wouldn't charge people to pee." -Picking Dandelions
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I Wondered If the Teachers Would Find Me
"I wondered if the teachers would find me later, having starved to death after being unable to free myself from beneath the three five-pound weights she would bury me under." -Picking Dandelions
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Apparently the Neck Is the First Thing to Go
"This was a claim I heard often as a child: that if kids persisted in goofing around they would break their necks. Apparently the neck is the first thing to go in an eight year old." -Picking Dandelions
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Praying: Step One, Use a Radio Voice
"I found that the most successful prayers followed a basic recipe. Step one: use a radio voice as if you are announcing a beauty pageant. Two: quote at least one Scripture, making sure to remind God of the reference--in case he wants to look it up later. And three: use a minimum of four flourishing 'Heavenly Fathers,' preferably pronounced with a mock Boston accent, so that it comes out sounding like 'Heavenly Fahhh-dahhh'." -Picking Dandelions
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Not Doing God Any Favors
"I thought about telling her that her insistence on continuing to breathe was also unkind to God, as she was not doing him any favors as his representative." -Picking Dandelions
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