An Unhealthy Periscope – When the Only Thing In the Viewfinder Is You
My co-worker Kathy’s grandson recently visited her home.
While there, her grandson discovered a pile of old trophies his dad had won as a child. He carefully studied them without saying much.
Then, a few days later, when Kathy’s grandson was out driving with his dad, he became unusually quiet. He’d been reflecting for a while when he suddenly blurted out, “Dad, I think that I would feel more appreciated if I had my own trophies!”
This got Kathy thinking (and I’m sure laughing) about the importance of feeling appreciated.
So she sent out an email and asked everyone at our workplace to fill in this blank : I think that I would feel more appreciated if ________________________.
As I watched my co-workers’ reply-all responses hit my inbox, it occurred to me that:
1. We don’t always even know what makes the people in our lives feel appreciated.
2. Unless they feel valued by the exact same things that make us feel valued, we may be tempted to secretly consider their needs “less valid” than ours. Why would anyone feel most appreciated when people buy them gifts?? We wonder to ourselves. Gifts are so superficial!
3. The inhuman pace many leaders set for ourselves often robs us of the time and energy required to get outside of our own pressures and be thoughtful about how we impact others.
4. This is okay in small quantities. Everyone is entitled to rough stages and dysfunctional moments. But if we’re always consumed by our own needs and demands, if we’re building a lifestyle–not just a stage–of asking other people to accommodate our busyness, then we’re off kilter.
5. Leadership should never be used as a license to be self absorbed. And great vision is a poor excuse for not giving back to the people who give to you.
6.Unselfishness is a choice. You make it or you don’t.
Appreciation is an art. You set out to learn it or you don’t.
In the moments we feel too busy to invest in the people around us, what we’re really saying is “I’m too busy to invest in the health, momentum and longevity of my relationships and ideas.”
I’ve caught myself in some of this sort of selfishness lately, where the periscope I am looking through gets awkwardly bent around until the only thing in my viewfinder is me.
What I want.
What I need.
What I deserve.
What makes me feel good.
And you know what? The obsession with myself eventually bores me to death.
God created this planet with more than one person, more than one perspective, more than one approach for a reason.
If I have a chance to learn from others, I want to.
If I have a chance to set aside my preferences in support of those I love, sign me up.
If I have a chance to advance someone else, God please let me view that as just as important as my own success.
I want to be intentional enough to cherish people in the ways that feel good to them. I don’t want to force them to receive value the way I do. I want to be a diligent student of what makes them feel appreciated…and then to not just file that data away in my theories about teamwork and personality types, but to actually try to nurture relationships and work environments where the conditions set them up to feel good.
What about you? What makes you feel appreciated? I’d love for you to leave your answer in the comments of this post: I feel appreciated when ________________________ .
Christa June 10, 2011 (10:59 am)
I feel appreciated when … my friends text me just to touch base or to tell me silly details about their lives.
It makes me feel like they are thinking of me and wish I could be there to do whatever they are doing with them.
Karen Hammons June 10, 2011 (11:25 am)
I feel appreciated through random text messages or emails that just say “Hey, I’m thinking about you.” It means alot to me when someone takes the time to share something that most see as simple but I see as huge.
I absolutely LOVE what you shared today. I get so sick of me too :)
Sarah – How do YOU feel appreciated? :)
Sarah June 10, 2011 (11:38 am)
@Christa – I love receiving and sending those. It’s a way of sharing regular life with people you can’t see regularly.
@Karen – Isn’t that great? To make a practice of remembering each other in our thoughts and rituals?
I feel appreciated when people go out of their way to stay in contact with me–both via phone and by hanging out.
Roger June 10, 2011 (11:39 am)
when people say things like “this is one of my best friends” when they introduce me.
Sarah June 10, 2011 (11:46 am)
@Roger Doesn’t that just warm your heart? I have 2 or 3 friends who publicly tweets about me on a semi-regular basis and I always feel good that they want to share who I am to them with others.
Tim Thurman June 10, 2011 (12:42 pm)
What an incredible post. I thought it was very insightful. It is a little shopworn, but Smalley’s ideas about how we all feel and express love differently apply to appreciation too. For example, I felt “loved” / appreciated when you offered to help me with my book proposal… It was a great gift. I don’t know you and you don’t know me…but I have nicknamed you “Barnabas” (how about “Barnabette” for a lady version of the name) b/c of all the things I see that you do to encourage people.
tracee June 12, 2011 (3:01 pm)
I love this post! Listening to people makes all the difference. You are right in that we evaluate others through our own lenses. I know my lenses can silence the value of others. I want to add value to other people’s lives. The same goes for me – i desire value to be added to me. I need to work on my lenses for both my self and others.
I feel appreciated when i feel seen.
Sarah June 14, 2011 (8:32 am)
Thanks @Tim! I know I owe you an email. Getting to that soon. Can’t wait to see where you take your writing. :)
Sarah June 14, 2011 (8:33 am)
@Tracee My favorite Nashville-bound counselor. I see you, girl. I see you. =)
We have to cross paths again. Make a note.
Deb. June 19, 2011 (5:57 am)
The idea of the importance of expressing appreciation has been popping up a lot lately in my corner of the world. What a great post! And a great suggestion . . . I may try that in our next team meeting, passing around slips of paper with ‘I feel appreciated when . . . .’ Thanks!