How To Make a Friend: One Simple Idea For Forming Lasting Adult Connections
The Secret To Forming Close Adult Friendships
In between relishing chocolate Twizzlers on summer boat rides and pitching the world’s tiniest Pampers Swaddlers into our growing personal landfill (Sorry, environment), my mind lingers–sometimes indulgently–on the warm, hearty friendships that fill my life.
The topic–“connectedness”–is both business and pleasure. My next couple books are wrapped up in relationships. How I relate to you, how we relate to each other, how churches relate to those outside their four walls. And somewhere in there are those basic, bottom-line questions: how do I find friends, how do I make friends, where can I make friends?
And so I’m always conducting impromptu surveys, fishing for wisdom on the ancient practice of…well, having friends.
1. What friendships do you consider to be most fulfilling? Longest lasting?
2. When did these friendships form?
3. How did you come to know the person?
(Go ahead. Think about your own three answers before you go on.)
9 times out of 10, people cite connections formed in their school or college days, where they got to know their friends over years of day-after-day interactions. Soccer practice, school play rehearsals, walking home from school or riding the same bus, roommates, Chemistry partners, the number of exposures go on and on and on.
There was no complex social science about it. All that time spent in the presence of the same people eventually gave way to a feeling of familiarity, a mutual sense of understanding and finally, friendship.
But here’s the world’s simplest kicker.
The 1 or 2 times out of 10, people report having made close friends in adulthood, the very same pattern holds true. Whether it’s fellow gymnastics moms sitting together in the bleachers meet after meet, co-workers looking over the same cubicle wall project after project or in-laws eating the same green bean casserole holiday after holiday, the best friendships seem to have a direct correlation to “time spent”.
No wonder kids and teenagers sometimes seem to fall naturally into gangs of friends, while adults often struggle along with just the one or two friends they manage to squeeze in lunch with between cutting grass and picking up groceries.
Want to make more friends or deepen the friendships you have? Make time. Take a cooking class, work out, join a bowling league, start a book club, sip iced tea on your porch, but whatever your shared interests, plan some intentional ways to log regular hours with people in your life.
What about you? Is “time spent” the common denominator in most of your closest friendships? What observations have you made about how friendship is formed? What other patterns do you see that thread through your most valued friendships? Comment on this post to weigh in. I’d appreciate hearing your thoughts.
Mechelle August 15, 2012 (4:18 pm)
I guess in adulthood,some of my best friends were neighbors.You had to lean on each other at times.Especially when the kids were young.You get some friends via your kids too in adulthood.At 50,I am at a loss to how to go about it.Because the common thread for me in friendships is that no one seems to have time to be one at all.Its a shame really.I have time to give.I give it,and get rejected.I am sure its me,because the same thing keeps happening.But I have no idea what it is.I make friends online now most.But even those seem gone after an average of 8 yrs.I am open to being friends.But it seems when I make one,they move,or die or something that prevents it to go on further.Seriously.So most are short and shallow.Not my preference,I guess.Coming to France this past year,we have met few people.And they seem to be like most people we meet now.They already have the friends they want.No vacancy.And no more neighbors now that they turn over so much,even back home.Sorry for the glum forecast.I don’t expect it goes this way for everyone.I am not sure what I am to learn out of it for myself yet so far either.But it has to be for something,since it just keeps going this way lately.Some of life seems to go in 10 yr intervals.If that makes sense to you.I love doing “studies” of people.Though mine are informal.So it’ll be interesting to find out what you do from this. :)
kim August 16, 2012 (2:37 pm)
Yes, college was the easiest time to just “be” together with folks: talking, drinking coffee or eating ice cream – no real agenda but to be together and learn from/with one another.
That “learn from/with” thing seems to be the key for me making deep connection. It’s also why most of my best friends – those I know best and know me best – are younger than I and involved in somewhat structured settings that allow for such in formal and very informal manners: small groups and book clubs that are designed with safe space in mind.
I have tried this model with older folks like me, but that desire to listen and learn from one another and think about things other than day to day survival stuff, is hard to make happen. I get preoccupation and busyness and all that, I work full time have a husband and four kids…
I get most of my helpful, (my-age) friend buidling exchanges here, online with folks who think about things and struggle with thoughts and ideas outloud on paper.
I do, get together with folks, families, couples our age, host gatherings, all that stuff…but those interactions rarely produce this rich, challenging and deep friendship I crave.
Sarah August 17, 2012 (12:44 pm)
@Kim, I do think online options can help with some of the awkwardness of finding and developing adult friendships. I’ve met quite a few people in person after interacting with them online. Hope you continue to find and foster meaningful relationships around you. Sounds like you’re very intentional about that, which I love to hear.
Joanna August 17, 2012 (10:34 pm)
I think one of the common themes in many of my best post-highschool friendships is that they’ve been forged not just spending time together but achieving things together. They’ve come out of things like club committees or ministry teams. Maybe it is because it gives you all a more meaningful shared history together and because getting tough projects completed requires that you learn to trust and rely on each other.