Where I’m Stuck: Walking Into a Room of People I Don’t Know (No. 2)

A few words from Shasta Nelson

Good news. Shasta Nelson (pictured below) is back again this week answering the second of four “Where I’m Stuck” questions submitted by blog readers. And while some of us don’t think about friendship as something we need insight for, Shasta is sharp enough she just might prove you wrong.

Shasta, if you don’t know her, is the C.E.O. of GirlFriendCircles –the only online community that matches women with new friends in 35 U.S. cities. She also wrote the book Friendships Don’t Just Happen and writes a column for the Huffington Post. And as I pointed out, in a serious bonus, she has an MDiv to her name as well.

Bonus link this week – Shasta’s friendship blog.

Question 2:

It’s your first time at a book club, volunteering at a charity, or attending a new friend’s party and you don’t know anyone. When you walk into a social setting where everyone seems like they’re already engaged in conversation, what’s the best thing to do?

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Shasta Nelson:

First, I breathe deeply and remind myself that being un-known isn’t the same as being un-liked.  Grounding ourselves in our truth about who we are helps us not show up with as much insecurity and fear as we’d normally feel when we start thinking irrational thoughts of rejection and exclusion.  

Second, I draw from my mission in those settings, “Let me help others feel loved and seen.”  With our focus on making sure we are there to love others, if even through listening, sharing, and connecting, then we can engage with a more meaningful agenda than to simply try to impress people.  And people like people who like them so we’re also bound to have others feel better about us when we can show up with this heart.

 

Now, with our sense of self-worth and remembrance that everyone else just craves love too, we can focus on a few more practical steps.  Three of the easiest places to start in a group where everyone seems connected already is 1) to find the host or coordinator or anyone who’s working in the kitchen to thank her for inviting you or to see if you can be of any help (she can then help pull you into conversations), 2) to look around the edges of the room for anyone else who’s sitting alone (chances are high that even if they are acting engaged in their iPhone, they are trying to just look preoccupied because they don’t know what else to do either, so go and introduce yourself to them), and 3) to simply focus on finding a seat, getting your food, etc. and keeping your eyes open for connecting with someone who ends up in the chair beside you or at the table across from you.  

 

As for how to introduce yourself or open up new conversations, the easiest thing is to start with whatever you know you both have in common: the book club, the charity, or the friend.  Ask her if this is her first time volunteering at this charity, how she knows your mutual friend, or how she heard about the book club.  Ask follow-up questions about what attracted her to this charity over others, whether she was excited about this particular book, or how long she’s known your friend.  Staying on this theme gives you both plenty of time to actually get to know quite a bit about each other while keeping the conversation in an easy place so you’re not stressing about how to bring up unrelated subjects. Whenever nervous, two important rules of thumb are always: smile and ask questions.  Those two actions will take us far in our goal of helping others feel loved and seen, ensuring that people feel better after having talked with us.

[line] Photo credit: http://www.mymodernmet.com/xn/detail/2100445:BlogPost:431087