If Only Jesus Had Answered, “Be Civil,” Then I’d Have This Down.
Those of you following my blog know I’ve been visiting and re-visiting the theme of forgiveness lately.
In part because–honestly–the only way I can bring myself to forgive sometimes is to keep going back to the idea.
The first time I think about forgiveness, I’m not very committed.
I think maybe I can scrape by being “civil”.
I convince myself that is somehow the same thing.
(Like Jesus answered Peter’s famous how-many-times-should-I-forgive-question by saying, “well, the first 70×7 times, you just have to be civil”.)
The next time I consider forgiveness, I think, I’ll forgive them in my heart, sort of secretly, under the radar, but I’m done interacting with them.
They’re cut off.
It proceeds slowly from there, inching forward each time I revisit the concept of forgiveness, until my heart finally grows big enough to hold it.
The real it.
The forgiveness that God gives ME.
The kind that heals those in its wake.
So I’m happy to report my heart is growing (albeit sort of grinc-h-ily, at times).
I’m climbing that hill.
Letting go.
Renewing relationships that can be renewed.
I tell you this because writers can be hypocritical if we’re not careful.
Sometimes, in writing and in life in general, its easier to talk about flaws that you’ve already put behind you.
Or at least ones that you’ve been working on for a while.
Rather than talking about what is here and now, hurting your heart and turning you into a crazy person today. :)
Rather than admitting you are currently–right now–as a writer, still sort of a mess.
All that to say, forgiveness isn’t a “safe” topic for me yet.
It still triggers emotions, regrets and–on the upside–fresh learning.
I’m still learning.
But I wanted you to know that this year, even though I am still flawed and dysfunctional in some ways, I’m already different than I was last year.
And I’ve taken some big steps, made some things right, so that next year, I plan on being different than I am today.
How about you?
Amelia March 18, 2010 (9:29 pm)
Our pastor just wrapped up 3 weeks teaching on forgiveness that did my heart so much good. I too am different this year than I was a year or 3 ago. It’s humbling to look back and see God’s grace working in my life, gently and patiently leading me along. I can be a slow learner! You’re definitely not alone on the forgiveness trail.
Kristine McGuire March 24, 2010 (9:18 pm)
Forgiveness is a tough one to be sure. There was a time I was holding grudges for past hurts, and as silly as it sounds, and didn’t understand the depth of my inability to forgive until confronted by it. I’m still working on being able to let go of hurts or resentments (aren’t we all) but some how every day God helps me take one more step forward.
Linda B. April 3, 2010 (11:53 am)
I know for me forgiveness and working through the relational stuff has been an ongoing process. Wading into people’s lives is a messy propostion. I had an experience like that where to be able to explain my response to situation to some people would have meant exposing a pastor that I worked for before he had a chance to come clean himself. At the time I chose to remain silent, partially for the sake of his wife who was my good friend. The fallout was very painful. Being older and wiser now I would probably handle it differently. But the good news for me was that God was faithful to eventually bring to light the truth in a way that I my relationships with those people were healed and strengthened. Some amazing things were a result of it all. But it took almost two years for most involved and almost 15 for one of them. Still even with the pain, I wouldn’t change being fully involved with relationships verses keep people at arms distance like I used to do. The only way that’s been possible though for me has been to be able to be real with God and to really let him deal with the hurt and anger in my own heart right away so that it doesn’t have a chance to fester, and to go back again and again if things trigger the need to do it. I’ve found dealing with anger and forgiveness is like dealing with grief and often goes hand and hand with grief. I think I’ve dealt with something and then something new will happen that will trigger a memory or fresh emotions etc.
Amy April 18, 2010 (10:45 pm)
Our pastor just wrapped up 3 weeks teaching on forgiveness that did my heart so much good. I too am different this year than I was a year or 3 ago. It’s humbling to look back and see God’s grace working in my life, gently and patiently leading me along. I can be a slow learner! You’re definitely not alone on the forgiveness trail.
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