Learning Hospitality: Investing In the Community That Gathers In the Space of Home
Next Thursday is the day.
I’m kicking off a new series called Learning Hospitality.
Here’s the back story: Some women–I’m sure some men too–grow up longing to have a family. They believe they were born for the purpose of doing (or helping someone else do) breathing exercises in the delivery ward. They melt at the sight of every baby. They feel like they can’t be wholly themselves until they’re married and filled the backseat of an SUV with a few carseats, molding sippy cups and broken cheerios.
Ask anyone. That was not me.
High schoolers, even alternative high schoolers with juvenile and adult criminal records, found a pretty easy place in my heart. And I find so much that I can only describe as “gift” in a wide range of adults too. But newborns? It might not be a popular thing to say about the world’s most vulnerable beings, but I wasn’t even sure I liked babies.
What I Thought About Babies
Infants seemed so whiny and tear-stained. I boiled them down to a basic common denominator: that they were unreasonable creatures who were perpetually frustrated and lacked the communication skills to get what they wanted.
(As I’m typing this it occurs to me that to some of you I sound like a monster.)
But while I was of course nice to other people’s babies, I was not sure I would enjoy solving the daily mysteries of my own future baby’s problem of the moment: whether their cry was prompted by teething or maybe an earache. Hunger. A full diaper. A fever. Exhaustion. Roll the dice, it could be anything. What now?
My plan was to grit my teeth and try to make it to 4 years old, which is the blindly chosen age when I anticipated kids became much more tolerable. Then I was sure the whole baby business would pay off with some very nice, fully communicative toddlers.
Given my presuppositions, then, I didn’t vest much energy in dreaming of being a domestic diva. Cooking, for example, was not a cherished hobby in our house, it was a practical act, a chore of keeping house. And Thanksgiving with Grandma was the only time I grew up cooking with adults.
I had a lot of ideas about how life worked best and few of them had anything to do with me in the kitchen or maybe even at the house, which seemed like it was cursed with never-emptying black holes of laundry baskets and dust that rushed in to re-accumulate as soon as one feathered it away. As a result, I was a bit eye-rolly toward the Rachel Ray types who seemed to be born to conquer the household, which seemed like such a dinky playing field next to the world I was bent on changing.
So then you probably get where this is going and it’s not weepy, sentimental gush. It’s just a frank admission of my new reality.
Babies, at least mine, turned out to be fascinating. In fact, even though I am still working and doing projects and events and all that, I liked their presence so much that I pinkslipped myself from my conventional job in favor of being here full time.
This June begins my third year off work and by now, I’m spending a lot of moments–sometimes it seems like every waking moment–keeping a house.
And it’s been good for me. Right for me.
A lot of my ideas and hopes have always had to do with connectedness between humans. I’ve always been a high believer in the vitality of living life alongside others.
Some of that for me stemmed from the language of Jesus and some of the figures of the first century church, who were always saying things like, Those who do the will of my father are my brothers and mother and sisters, or to an ostracized member of society, daughter, your faith has made you well. And the followers seemed to take that and run with it, claiming those who followed the way of Christ were adopted heirs with Christ, brothers who should love and be kind to one another.
Even though I came to hold that value pretty deeply, I hadn’t spent a lot of time thinking about how all of that might play into nurturing a community of people around my home and my family.
So I decided to give Learning Hospitality a whirl as a series and think about how to nurture the kind of home that invites the formation of that instant belonging, that sort of piece-mealed from everyone family.
That is why even though I was the girl who didn’t ever think about what color my bridesmaids dresses would be until I was engaged or who didn’t ever wonder about what I’d name my children until I was pregnant, I’m inviting others to join me in this series.
Here’s The Challenge
So for the next few months, I’m going to challenge myself (and any of you) to take the craft of nurturing home and family (and yes, that includes but is not limited to genetic relatives) more seriously.
This first few weeks, the focus will be on the role of table, where families gather around meals. And I’ve already challenged a few friends to get thinking on this, to try some new recipes, maybe think about elements that create welcome and belonging in their space and in the presentation of a meal. I’ve asked them and you (both women and men) to attempt one new recipe per week for the next four weeks. It can be an entree, a side, a dessert, a drink, whatever–and you can just serve it to whomever you usually cook for (even if it is just yourself) but should be something that would be well suited to serve to guests as well.
Next Thursday, then, I’m going to check in with all of you. I’ll ask you to share in the comments your recipes and what sorts of experiences unfolded as you thought about creating community in your own homes. Was it too much pressure? Stress? Were there distractions or barriers? Did it come naturally? Did you burn something or over-spice something? And while you’re sharing, I’ll have a special guest, friend Shauna Niequist who is the author of Bread and Wine guest posting to welcome the first batch of recipes and give away some books.
After a month of food-focus, my long term plan is to jump off the Food Network track and onto other types of hospitality that occur outside the kitchen and you’re welcome to join me in any you wish. But for now, we’ll just start here.
Our Charge
Invest in a community that gathers in the space of your home.
If you’re in, just do me a favor and drop a note to me in the Reply box at the bottom of this post (click on the comments link if you don’t see it) and tell me you’ll be joining us and I’ll drop you a couple emails along the way. And if you want to, or think you’re friends would enjoy doing this with us, post it to your online friends and see who comes along.
(P.S. And no, ironically, this is not for a book. It’s genuinely developmental. I’m planning on starting on a new writing project this year that is related to all of these concepts still, but not based on this Learning Hospitality series.)
Joanna April 12, 2013 (5:45 am)
I’m in!
I used to be one of those people who didn’t cook. At all. Then I moved into a shared house where it was compulsory to cook for other members of the household once a week so I learned rather fast! (more of that story at http://www.joannamuses.com/2013/04/some-thoughts-on-bread-wine-by-shauna.html) I’ve been surprised to find I actually often enjoy it these days and even bake for fun.
Angela H. April 12, 2013 (8:02 am)
Hey Sarah I am in ofcourse. This’ll be a great exercise for many reasons. My childhood house wasn’t very nurturing and sometimes I struggle to figure out how to be THAT great mom who intentionally invests in making their home life a great one. I know this isn’t about pressure but about being more and loving more and I love that. Thanks for the invite!
Sarah April 12, 2013 (8:06 am)
@Joanna, Welcome and wow, shared life WOULD be a very quick introduction to cooking. It’ll be fun surprising your housemates with new dishes in the coming weeks. Thanks for joining us and thanks for sharing your link and your story. Maybe I’ll have you guest post about this in the future at some point (if you’d like, that is)
@Angela, that’s a great reason to want to get more intentional. Welcome aboard! Hope you enjoy it.
Joanna April 12, 2013 (8:24 am)
I’d love to guest post :)
Caitlin April 12, 2013 (2:30 pm)
Comment
Sarah April 12, 2013 (5:11 pm)
Ha. Well it appears to be working now, Caitlin, but hmmm. I bet you said more than “Comment”, ay? :)
Christine April 13, 2013 (8:35 am)
I’m in…and looking forward to it. I used to be much more”hospitable” when my children (now 13, 16 and almost 20) were younger. As counter-intuitive as it sounds, it seemed like I had more time and energy back then. We had regular dinner parties, friends over for coffee or a glass of wine, and small groups that met in our home. Now, our lives are so much busier (a different kind of busy, I guess) with the kids’ myriad of activities, work, etc. I’m hoping to reignite the hospitality flame by accepting this challenge.
sherrieb April 13, 2013 (9:41 am)
I’m in. I was raised by a beautiful mother than taught me to cook and clean and manage a home. I loved babies – all of it. But I’m a raging introvert. The very thought of bringing people into my home begins sapping me of energy before I even begin the tasks of preparing to have said guests. I believe strongly in the beauty and value of community, so I’m hoping this journey will enable me to stretch some of my self-imposed boundaries.
Sarah April 13, 2013 (10:44 pm)
@Christine Glad to have you! :) Life definitely comes in seasons, doesn’t it? It’s great you have the heart to keep an open home, even if scheduling and energy don’t always make it simple.
@sherrieb That’s awesome. I have a lot of friends like you. (I think they take care of me.) I love that you’re aware enough to know where your barriers are as an introvert. That’s a dynamic I haven’t thought a lot about, although I think I can sometimes understand that impulse to want to use home as a refuge more than a gathering point for others. :) There are times for both, I’m sure.
Sarah April 14, 2013 (8:53 pm)
I am in. Having a really hard time reading the tpe here…very light. I must be pretty blind.
Sarah April 14, 2013 (9:09 pm)
Sarah, what browser do you use (for example, is it Explorer or Firefox etc?). I am guessing it isn’t appearing correctly in one of them and I need to figure that out if so. It isn’t light for me.
Becky April 15, 2013 (10:59 am)
I’m in. This sounds fun!!
Sarah April 15, 2013 (11:56 am)
Glad to have you, Becky!
Jessica April 15, 2013 (12:35 pm)
I’m in! I’m so excited to join this challenge. I love trying new recipes but I all to often find myself falling back into the same ol comfortable routine of Spaghetti, Tacos, Pizza, Chicken Pot Pie, or Ham & Scallop Potatoes. I always find myself saying I want to try new recipes but then making excusing for why we are having Brownies from a Box yet again. I have an entire Pinterest board for just recipes and I’ve only tried maybe 1 or 2 of them so I look forward to really stepping out of my comfort zone! Thanks Sarah for inviting me to be a part of this hospitable experience :)
Maribeth April 15, 2013 (5:29 pm)
I am definitely in! I was also raised in a home where my Mom was (and still is) AMAZING! She worked full time and still managed to make dinner every single night and our house was spotless. She made sure that her daughters knew how to cook and keep a house. As a single woman, I love to share the gift of hospitality as well, and can’t wait to share my experiences and learn from others! I already have my new recipe made!!
Sarah April 15, 2013 (7:53 pm)
@Jessica and @Maribeth, so excited for what you’ll bring to the series. :)
Tammy Maltby April 15, 2013 (11:10 pm)
Sarah I have been speaking and writing on hospitality for over 20 years. I love your definition of hospitality. Mine is giving others a message about their value. It is not about perfection but rather comfort and care. I think we would be great friends! Proud of you! Tammy
Sarah April 16, 2013 (9:19 am)
Tammy, who are you and why don’t I know you? =) You should drop me an email sometimes. Who knows, we may just be friends yet.
Jennifer Wisdom April 16, 2013 (9:38 am)
Hi Sarah, I’m in! I love to bake, but loving to cook is something I am still learning. I love finding new recipes, but actually trying them is another story. This will be a good and fun challenge for me!
Sarah April 16, 2013 (9:43 am)
So great, @Jen! (Have I told you how much I love your new last name?) Would love to have you participate. I just went grocery shopping yesterday for specific ingredients, so we’re all in this together. :)
Jennifer Wisdom April 16, 2013 (10:19 am)
Thanks! I am loving it too! :) Looking forward to seeing what I learn about hospitality through this, and from you.
Kara April 16, 2013 (10:59 pm)
Wow, took me forever to find this. I’m in. :)
Sarah April 17, 2013 (7:21 am)
Ha. Sorry about that. I maybe should’ve been more specific!
Caitlin April 17, 2013 (4:18 pm)
This is a test…
Caitlin April 17, 2013 (4:28 pm)
Sorry for that “test” comment, everyone. Anyway, I’m glad this is working now and I was going to say that I, too, was someone who didn’t jump at the home-making thing. I never asked to hold babies or make extravagent meals, but the moment I became a stay-at-home mom, I really really began to love it. I find that the more I am home and cooking the more I love it. The less I am, the less I like it.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned in the whopping 7 years that I’ve done this is to plan…not a ton, but at least a bit. At the beginning of every week, I make a list of some meals that I have almost all of the ingredients for. I also note what events I have ahead that I’m making meals/snacks for. Then, I make my grocery from the items that will complete those recipes. Then, on days when I’m out all day, I’ll pick one of my crock pot meals. If I’m home all day, I’ll pick something that takes more time like tonights new recipe (http://elizabethbryant.blogspot.com/2010/05/korean-beef.html). If I know that I’m going to make lasagna or something that I can freeze, I’ll make an extra pan of it and save it in the deep freeze for a friend who just had a baby or for a night when friends/family drop in. We have a house church that eats meals together every Sunday afternoon, so I’m always making an extra batch of whatever we eat there for us or vice versa.
Sarah April 17, 2013 (7:54 pm)
Caitlin, so glad to be able to hear from you now. I forwarded the Foxfire comment problem to my web guy. :)
Kari April 17, 2013 (6:00 pm)
I’m in and excited!
Sarah April 17, 2013 (7:54 pm)
Hey!! Fun. :) This will be good practice for when you’re cooking in Michigan someday… ;)