I Miss the Good Old Days When People Noticed If You Died
Yesterday, via school supply laments and general soap-boxing, I suggested today’s social norms might not always serve us well. Connecting with other human beings, I am convinced, holds potential that often goes untouched in our culture–potential to deepen us as people and to deepen our faith.
Today, we begin that discussion with a story that has stuck with me for years.
Seventy Years in the Same Neighborhood
In July of 2011, an older woman reported to Sydney police that she could not reach Natalie Wood, an 86-year-old resident who lived alone.
Officials followed up with a courtesy call to the quaint, two-story flat where the elderly Natalie resided. It wasn’t hard to find. Natalie, after all, had lived in the same house for more than seven decades.
She had moved there as a child in the 1920’s and lived elsewhere only during a brief, failed marriage to a young soldier. After her marriage broke apart, Natalie returned home and cared for her father Herbert—a local boot repairer—until he eventually succumbed to chronic kidney disease. She then took on work as a machinist to help support her mother, Phyllis. And after both parents passed away, she continued on in her lifelong home.
Such longevity was unique, but it wasn’t unheard of in this Sydney neighborhood. 62 year old neighbor Lorraine South, for example, had lived next door to Natalie for 23 years, describing Natalie as a “nice, ordinary old lady” who was private, but who waved when she saw her.
The Woman the World Forgot
But for someone who had been rooted in the same community for an entire human lifespan, there was surprisingly little evidence of Natalie as policemen arrived on her doorstep. There was no mail in the box, no TV running in the background, no lights on. So when no one responded to their knocks, the officers decided to force their way inside to check on the elderly resident.
Once through the door, they found a fully furnished home with no signs of foul play.
It wasn’t until they reached the second floor that the policemen determined exactly why Natalie Wood had been unreachable. In the bedroom, they found her fully decomposed skeleton that had been laying on the floor awaiting discovery…for eight years.
Eight years.
The amount of time her body had been there, of course, wasn’t immediately known until the police completed their investigation.
How Someone Slipped Off the Neighborhood Radar
As officials delved into Natalie’s past, they uncovered a trail of sad but simple facts. Natalie’s last remaining relative, an in-law who was also elderly, hadn’t seen her since they shared a meal of boiled vegetables and meat back in 2003. Neighbors, who hadn’t noticed anything particularly suspicious around Natalie’s property, assumed the elderly lady had not lived there in years.
A long time back, the utility company had shut off power to the house when the bills went unpaid. And government agencies had continued to send Natalie her social security checks, even though the money hadn’t been withdrawn in years.
Was There a Crime?
As Natalie’s story began to leak out into the Sydney community, police superintendent Zoran Dzevlan announced the findings of their investigation. Natalie Wood, the police concluded, passed away from natural causes approximately eight years before being found.
They found no evidence of any crime.
The police department’s findings were valid of course. There was no one to prosecute for Natalie Wood’s unfortunate circumstances. There was no malice. No intent to harm. No wrong doing…at least legally speaking.
Yet for thousands of people around the world who read and commented on news coverage about Natalie Wood’s death, there was a crime. Not the kind of crime suspects are handcuffed and jailed for, but a more subtle and slow-building one.
A crime of forgetting.
A crime of isolation.
A perhaps unintentional assault on the way life should be.
Despite the official findings which cleared all parties of guilt, Sydney’s Police Minister Mike Gallacher seemed to agree with the public outcry. “It’s shameful that an elderly woman has been dead for eight years before anyone realized.” He said. “[This death] really does highlight the need for this state and indeed our community to work closer at building relationships with our community.”
Andrew Eales, columnist with Australia’s the Courier took it a step further:
“While there has been the understandable witchhunt …to find the persons or authorities ‘responsible’ for failing to discover Ms. Wood, this should not be our primary concern. Of greater worry is how as our nation develops, as people work longer and harder, as the population moves and as we become more and more reliant on electronic communication that we are losing the sense of everything that our nation is built on.”
Why Focus On This Event?
It’s important to note that this phenomena–of communities going years without noticing their dead–isn’t limited to Sydney. Google “dead man or woman discovered years later” (everyone googles that, don’t they?) and you’ll turn up dozens of recent American headlines (here’s one from my home state); even link-bait lists of people around the globe who met similar lonely ends.
While certainly these cases are still exceptions and not the norm, I chose to begin with the story of Natalie Wood because this off-beat tale of detachment grabs our attention; it creates an internal rub. The thought of an elderly woman lying there, possibly in need of help for days, offends the fibers of our conscience.
Our souls beat out a moral code: this is not the way it should be.
[Tweet “Our souls beat out a moral code: this is not the way it should be.”]
Stories punctuated by real, relateable human beings jar our emotions.
They require us to care.
And they push us to re-examine ourselves…probably more than we would if I had started with snapshots of ordinary, everyday life represented by statistics like these:
- A 2008 study conducted by Liberty Mutual found that 85% of Americans feel less connected to their neighbors than Americans did 20 years ago.
- Another study commissioned by State Farm Insurance found that 75 percent of us don’t even know our neighbors’ names.
- Robert Putnam author of Bowling Alone, concluded today’s citizens are less invested in our communities than previous generations–less church attendance, less voting, more mobile, with more technology competing for our attention. And compared to 30 years ago, 50% more people say they “always feel rushed.”
- A study by Duke University showed that today, Americans have 1/3rd less people in their lives who they can discuss important matters with than Americans had even 20 years ago. 25% of people, in fact, claimed they didn’t have a single person to discuss important matters with.
Numbers like these–valid as they may be–are much easier to push through without much pause, don’t you think? We scan them, shake our heads disapprovingly, and mumble about the direction society is headed to whoever is within earshot. But it is hard to feel data; to connect abstract facts and figures to our everyday weed-picking, laundry-folding, meeting-attending realities.
And so this awareness that society is losing something significant comes to us quickly, and then leaves just as quickly as it arrived. Later, when we encounter other abrasive stories about the breakdown of community, we know our concerns will return to us…probably again and again…but they will continue to leave just as quickly.
We have to get on, you know. Get on with the business of living.
In the mix of everything else swirling around us, the truth is: we know something is wrong, but we’re probably not sure we have the time or the bandwidth to care.
We’ll continue this conversation thread next Monday, but until then, I’d love to start the conversation here: What kinds of things, big or small, cause you to question whether our culture is losing connectedness?
Photo source: Natalie, leaves, cat, streetlight, heart in light
sarah passow September 15, 2014 (12:01 pm)
My husband and I were both discussing last night how sometimes we both, separately, look through the contacts on our phones when feeling desperate for a friend. You can have hundreds of FB friends, associates, etc…and still feel completely alone. Who REALLY wants to know how you are?
Sarah Raymond Cunningham September 15, 2014 (12:12 pm)
I have heard that said a few times lately. We all have hundreds of Facebook friends, but no one to give us a ride to the airport? :)
sarah passow September 15, 2014 (12:15 pm)
Exactly
Shelly Miller September 15, 2014 (12:12 pm)
Strangely, I feel most intimately connected with the people I talk to daily in private messages and emails than I do with those in my neighborhood. We’ve tried a myriad of ways to reach out and cultivate relationships but after years of getting nowhere, we stopped. This story is haunting, something close to my heart but I don’t have any magic solutions. Thanks for starting the conversation Sarah, good to see you back at it.
Sarah Raymond Cunningham September 15, 2014 (1:21 pm)
Shelly, I experience a little of that too. I am invested in some really great neighborhood-based friendships. So I have hope on that front.
But I do observe that people’s local friendships tend to form around similar hobbies, similar age or child-age, region, etc. and they might not necessarily connect on some of the deeper, philosophical or spiritual or other life leanings. It’s sometimes easier for me to find people who really share those many levels of connection online.
One question came to mind when I read your comment though: do you think that the closeness could have anything to do with us being more transparent and/or vulnerable online (where we feel a little bit anonymous and less risk)? I’m thinking about that.
Shelly Miller September 15, 2014 (1:35 pm)
I think that is definitely a possibility but I also have in person relationships with many as well. We talk on the phone, skype and seem to bare our souls easily regardless. But to be honest, I live in the pretentious south, where people like to live on the surface. I’ve led Bible studies for groups of women who’ve known each other for years but won’t be vulnerable in a group. Because I tend to be an open book, people generally seek me out to talk about things privately. Those variables where I live make it exceedingly difficult for someone like me who doesn’t really do small talk well to find meaningful community. Surface conversations feel like more work than baring my soul. We’re moving to London so I’m looking forward to cultivating new community.
Sarah Raymond Cunningham September 15, 2014 (2:10 pm)
I’m really interested in the impact of cultural norms on all of this. I think it’d be curious to poke around more at how where we live (for you, the south) impacts our sense of how social networks operate (and whether or not people bond beyond small talk).
Shelly Miller September 15, 2014 (4:58 pm)
I would love to know what you find out. I’m from the Midwest but lived in the Southwest for many years, the last 11 years have been in the South. I think there is significance in regional social networks for sure.
Joe Cardini September 15, 2014 (12:59 pm)
A topic of huge importance that can cover an equally huge amount of turf… I wonder what many things have been taking place in our society such that, particularly with younger generations (though older generations are guilty as well), our first, second, third and last instincts are to focus on “me”, rather that “you”… The ME culture seems to now be firmly rooted, sadly… Fear? Pressures? What is it that has caused people to look inward in attempts to satisfy themselves at all costs, versus looking outward and ensuring others are ok?? I think you’ve hit on a monumentally important topic here Sarah… Good luck!
Sarah Raymond Cunningham September 15, 2014 (1:13 pm)
Thanks, Joe. I think there are probably so many factors. Self-absorption could definitely be in there. I also wonder if we have become so independent (we can manage the temperatures inside our houses, for example, so we no longer have to use our porches?) that it draws us away from relating to others. We just don’t have to anymore. Or at least we think we don’t.
Joe Cardini September 15, 2014 (3:33 pm)
But what has triggered that lean toward hyper-independency? As I’m sure you know – we were not at all created to live alone/be alone… We were created to be social. Humans are social beings above all else. So what is causing us to literally conduct ourselves in ways that run counter to our very nature?
Many factors at play for sure… Fear… Pressure to “keep up”… Reduction in faith/church… Belief that “I” am what matters most…
Again – terrific topic to explore Sarah.
Sandy September 15, 2014 (1:30 pm)
I think for a lot of us, the life we’re involved in happens somewhere besides our own neighborhoods. My kids go to school in one area of town, I work in another, and we live in a third. Our church is in a separate place as well. So home becomes a place we land and recover, not a place where we engage.
I’m working on bringing all of our “places” closer together, but it’s difficult.
Sarah Raymond Cunningham September 15, 2014 (2:09 pm)
Sandy, this is good feedback. This might be another side effect of technology…how it allows us to spread our lives out over a larger geographic region, but how this perhaps can water down the level of connectedness we feel since they are all separate silos. I think this is a question I might add to my research. Thanks for offering it.
Kyle Isenhower September 15, 2014 (5:43 pm)
dead man or woman discovered years later
Sarah Raymond Cunningham September 15, 2014 (5:49 pm)
Kyle, I had a very similar experience. When my first son was young, I just didn’t ever find the intentionality to get to know my neighbors much. I had their names down, but it was just that. When we moved though, we stepped it up and it’s definitely paid off in some great friendships with people who live conveniently close. Maybe I’ll try to interview you at some point if you’re up for it?
Kyle Isenhower September 15, 2014 (5:53 pm)
I try to talk about getting to know my neighbors as often as possible, so I would of course be up for an interview sometime.
Sarah Raymond Cunningham September 15, 2014 (5:56 pm)
I totally get it. My neighbor Jamie and I started a FB group for our neighborhood. And one older lady, who’d lived here for 20+ years said, “I’d always wanted to do something like this.” Makes me think there’s a lot of untapped potential out there. :)
Nikki Roller September 15, 2014 (8:08 pm)
To prevent disconnectedness, it really takes intentionality no matter how busy we are. Building friendships in the neighborhood or community won’t just happen on its own. We just moved in to a new neighborhood recently and my husband has made it a point to meet our neighbors. We took some of them cookies. We’ve gone on walks and have stopped to talk to others who were outside. We bought fundraiser cookies from a middle school boy whose family in turn brought us fried pea balls (the family is from India, they were so good!). A friendly wave just isn’t enough, as we learned in the story. It takes time and a long term commitment.
Sarah Raymond Cunningham September 15, 2014 (8:48 pm)
Thanks for highlighting that Nikki. I think awareness and intentionality are definitely required to live in connection (and not just near) other people’s homes or cubicles.
John Myer September 15, 2014 (9:04 pm)
I went into my phone’s contact list the other day and found five different “Bills.” I hadn’t talked to any of them in more than five years. And two I didn’t know at all. It was a “ghost in the machine” moment. I’m afraid I could hit any first name letter at random and find a listing who’s either dead or doesn’t like me anymore. True friends need to be carefully loved, forgiven, and cared for. http://www.bareknuckle.org
Sarah Raymond Cunningham September 15, 2014 (9:13 pm)
Thanks for this, John. Agreed on all fronts. Appreciate the comment.
Kelly Bazzy Burkhart September 15, 2014 (9:53 pm)
I was talking with my daughter today about “the good old days”, when we only had a landline to use to communicate with people. Or – dread – we had to talk with them face to face! It seems that now that communication is right at our fingertips with cell phones & social media, we have begun to shrink back from putting forth actual effort to touch base with people in person. I am guilty of this myself! Great blog. I sure hope somebody notices whn I die! :/
Sarah Raymond Cunningham September 16, 2014 (1:08 pm)
A land line? What’s that? (Just kidding.) I feel the same way. There is a way that social media sometimes gives us the illusion of being connected (I know where they went last night; I know what their kids look like), but…then I think about it…and months or even years have passed since we’ve been in the same room. :(
Andy Merritt September 16, 2014 (1:55 pm)
Reading through your post and the comments below I’m reminded of how complex and intimidating this area of community and connectedness can be. What I think often happens for me, is that I get fixated on the complexity and and give up too easily. It feels much easier to NOT live in community with other people than it is to live closely with other human beings, at least on the surface. It’s feels easier to NOT talk to the people around us than it is to strike up a conversation with a stranger.
I was recently at a local university recruiting students to partner with our church. The norm in situations like this if you are one of the students is to walk quietly past the booth, hold your breath, and avoid eye contact. I don’t blame them, I did the same thing. This year I had a secret weapon. We brought an airzooka. It’s a plastic toy that shoots a big ball of air. As students walked by we hit them with a blast of air. It was amazing how something silly broke the ice. Almost everyone instantly broke into a smile and engaged in conversation.
We didn’t form any life long bonds that day, but I was reminded how the complexity of relationships is often a straw man that keeps us from connecting with the people around us. I have to be willing to grab my “airzooka” and blow the straw away.
Sarah September 17, 2014 (10:35 am)
@Andy, I loved your comment “It’s feels easier to NOT talk to the people around us than it is to strike up a conversation with a stranger.” Interesting your story seems to suggest people want to connect, but often fail to overcome fairly minimal risk to do so. That’s a good insight.
Margo@Legacy of a Single Girl October 7, 2014 (3:37 pm)
This made me so sad. I am the kind of person that notices other people’s pain, and absence, and I also have come to realize that most people are not like that. Call it self involved, or “too busy” or just non-caring, but I think our nation has become a nation that closes their eyes to everything but what they “want” or want to see. Social media, Facebook, these have made things worse, and I really fear for my nieces and nephews who will grow up in this world of non-communication. I’m single with no immediate family and few friends who live scattered about, and I would not be surprised if I was not noticed “gone” for a long time. It breaks my heart.
Thank you Sarah for writing about this. I hope it helps awaken our world.
Sarah October 8, 2014 (6:16 pm)
Thanks @Margo. I am glad to hear it bothers other people besides just me! I wonder sometimes if I sound like a cranky old woman with 18 cats when I talk about it. I’m not anti-technology or even anti-social media, but I see how incremental shifts in the way we connect have loosened the bondedness in our neighborhoods and communities.
I’d love to hear your comments at any point along the way. Appreciate the comment!